How to Survive a Vampire Apocalypse

5 min read

If vampires existed in real life, it would only take them about 200 days to make us a critically endangered species. They wouldn’t be the sexy, mysterious creatures we know from the movies. They would be terrifying, murderous beings with one goal: to drink your blood. Would humanity stand any chance against a supernatural species? Or would we all be better off just letting them take over?

Okay, let’s get back to that whole “endangered species” conversation. According to mathematical models outlined in several studies over the years, humanity would almost be wiped out anywhere from six months to three years from the time of the first bite. So if you see one of these bloodsuckers, the countdown to extinction has already begun.

And if you think you can survive by just staying home and never inviting the vampires inside, think again. This is going to be a lot more complicated than the movies. Why would Alaska be the safest place on Earth? Could fake blood trick a vampire? How could a handful of rice save your life?

Step 1. Move to Alaska

There’s a reason these bloodsuckers are called the undead. Once mortal, they died and were revived. But that second chance at life comes with a few inconveniences, like being unable to walk in daylight. This forces them to rise nightly from their graves or coffins since sunlight would burn them to a crisp. The closer you are to the North Pole, the longer the days are. In the summer months, at least. In Barrow, the northernmost settlement of Alaska, the Sun doesn’t set for 84 days. You want to get there as soon as possible since they won’t follow you to the bright dawn.

Step 2. Buy Fake Blood

Your most precious belonging in these catastrophic times is that red liquid running through your veins. If you lose only 15% of your blood you’ll pass out and be left at the mercy of these evil suckers.A hungry vampire can drain three-quarters of a liter (.19 gal) of blood from your carotid artery in 6.4 minutes.

Luckily for you, soon you might be able to buy synthetic blood. In 2019, a peer-reviewed study developed substitute blood components such as red blood cells (RBCs) and platelets to help patients suffering from massive blood loss. So you better stock up on that synthetic blood as soon as it’s out in case you need to get a blood transfusion. Who knows? You might end up convincing a vampire that it’s the real thing.

Step 3. Toss Some Rice

With vampires hiding among us, it might be tricky to know if your friend gained supernatural strength by becoming one or they’ve just been hitting the gym. Besides the obvious razor-sharp fangs, some physical characteristics can help you identify a blood-thirsty humanoid creature. They’ll have pale skin that they can’t look at since they have no reflection in a mirror. There’s an eerie absence of a shadow.

And they can’t be photographed or recorded. In addition to all this, they’re extremely good-looking. Or at least that’s what pop culture has us believing. But remember, this is an apocalypse and anyone can be turned into a vampire. When in doubt, toss some rice, seeds or grains on the ground. Vampires are compelled to count objects like these. When they start counting, you better start running.

Step 4. Armor Up

To battle the army of the undead, you’ll need lots of protection. Use as many Christian symbols as you can. Carry a crucifix and always have holy water ready to spray on any creatures that attack you. Spread generous amounts of garlic around your house and even in your food. Having garlicky cereal on your breath will be a turnoff for everyone, especially vampires.

Step 5. Hunt Them Down

You’re done with hiding. Now you want to fight back and reduce the vampire population one by one. Do it during daytime hours when they’re helplessly sleeping in their coffins. A wooden stake to the heart is the classic and most effective way of killing these monsters. If someone is in the early stages of transforming into a vampire, for about 40 days they’ll be in their most vulnerable phase. This is when you’ll have the best chance to take some of these creepers out.

I’m impressed. You’re a regular vampire slayer. But now it’s time to take on another supernatural foe: zombies. If vampires could threaten humanity in a matter of months, how long would it take these rotting corpses?