Hey, who threw that? Oh no. It’s a pack of angry chimpanzees, and they’re coming for you.
There’s no way that you can outrun them. They’re too fast. So you’ll need to get creative. Maybe you can use your teeth?
Chimpanzees share 98% of human genes, and they’re very smart. They built complex societies that can include many dozens of individuals. Scientists have seen chimps using tools to catch food, and they even drink alcohol from wine palms. But they’re vicious. If chimpanzees attack you, they mutilate you by attacking your face. And they can tear off your hands and testes. So how could you defend yourself against one?
How strong are they? How can you tire them out? And why are they terrible swimmers?
Step 1: Don’t Let Them In Your Home
Yes, some people keep chimpanzees as pets. But that would be a terrible idea. They are aggressive and unpredictable by nature. In 2009, Charla Nash went to visit her friend Sandy, owner of a 14-year-old chimp named Travis.
As soon as she got out of her car, Travis punched her to the ground and started tearing off her face. Charla’s friend tried to stop him, but nothing worked. When the police arrived, Travis also tried to attack them. One of the officers shot the chimp four times, killing him. Charla survived, but she lost both hands and needed a face transplant. So please choose your pets wisely.
Step 2: Stay away from their mouth
For many years, scientists thought that chimpanzees were five times stronger than humans. But newer studies compared their muscle density and composition with humans’ and found that chimps are 1.5 to two times stronger than humans. You might have a chance of surviving a punch, but you’ll need to stay away from their most powerful weapon, their mouth.
Use whatever’s handy to keep a chimp away from you. But don’t use your hands, as chimpanzees can grab them and rip your fingers off. If you don’t have anything else, use your feet to keep the great ape away from your face, vital organs and testicles.
Step 3: Smile Carefully
Among primates, showing your teeth held together is a signal of submission. Clench your teeth together and bare them keeping your lips relaxed. Yes, like smiling. But be careful, because showing your teeth with your mouth wide open means the exact opposite. That means you are ready to attack, so they will brutally hit you back.
S4: Keep moving
Yup, they’re faster and stronger than we are because their bodies have more fast-twitch muscle fibers. But humans’ slow-twitch muscle fibers are more fatigue resistant. So if you can put some distance between yourself and the angry chimps, you may have a chance of tiring them out and surviving. But you’ll need to keep moving.
Step 5: Jump into the water
Due to their low-fat bodies, it’s hard for chimps to float. And their anatomy makes it tough to keep their heads above the water to breathe. So, you could be a better swimmer than they are. Quickly, jump into the water. It’s your last chance.
Phew. That was a close call. Chimpanzees can be scary, but remember that they are an endangered species. To protect them, and to survive yourself, it’s best to leave these great apes alone. Now, you can relax and enjoy floating downstream.
But don’t get too comfortable, because it looks like a crocodile is coming your way. They have one of the top 10 deadliest attacks on the planet, killing an estimated 1,000 people every year.
- “About Apes – Center For Great Apes”. 2021. Center For Great Apes.
- “What To Do If You’re Attacked By Monkeys.”. Tsai, Michelle. 2007. Slate Magazine.
- “Chimps Kill, Mutilate And Cannibalize Member Of Own Group”. 2021. livescience.com.
- “The Worst Story I Ever Heard” esquire.com
- “Chimp attack survivor helps others overcome severe physical trauma”. Eli Chen. 2017. St. Louis Public Radio.
- “Why do chimps attack? There are several reasons”. 2012. NBC News.