A man in Tallahassee, Florida had been fighting a cockroach infestation for three years when one finally found its way into his ear while he slept.
He woke up feeling it burrow deeper into his ear canal and could not get it out. At the hospital, doctors poured lidocaine into his ear, and he listened to the roach squeal as it died inside his head.
When they finally pulled it out, it had already laid an egg.
Cockroaches wallow in filth and rank as the primary cause of childhood asthma. They have been pests for roughly four million years, and they will almost certainly outlive us.
Here is the statistic that ruins your sense of security. According to the National Pest Management Association, up to 98 percent of homes in urban areas host cockroaches.
And if you think you belong to the other 2 percent, you are probably wrong.
These insects are exceptional at hiding, and they only leave their hiding spots at night, which makes them extremely hard to notice. They are there whether you see them or not. If you do spot one during daylight, your infestation is already severe.
So can they crawl inside your body? How many roaches hatch from a single egg? And where exactly are they hiding right now?
Step 1. Sleep with one eye open
The Tallahassee case is the answer to the first question, and it is worth remembering that he had been dealing with the problem for three years before it climbed into his head.
Infestations do not stay in the kitchen forever.
Step 2. Do not feed them
There are more than 3,500 species of cockroach worldwide, with the German cockroach being the most common. They carry diseases including dysentery, cholera, and leprosy, among many others.
Clean houses are not exempt. All a cockroach requires is easy access to food and water, and it will happily move in.
So cut off the supply. Do not leave dirty dishes sitting out, and do not leave pet food exposed for long stretches.
Step 3. Call the professionals
When the problem outgrows you, bring in someone experienced before it spirals.
Consider what happened in one Tennessee home where cockroaches were falling from the ceiling. The infestation had grown so extreme that professionals needed fogging machines to deal with it, and the job took six hours.
Step 4. Destroy their homes
Cockroaches love nesting in paper and cardboard, and this is where the numbers turn frightening.
A single egg can hatch up to 40 roaches.
Every empty box stacked in your garage or closet is potential housing you are providing for free. Break them down and recycle them so there is nowhere left to hide, because cockroaches prefer dark places and do not last long out in the open.
Step 5. Take off your shoe
When everything else fails, go back to basics. The fastest way to kill a cockroach is still to smash it with your shoe.
It will be messy and it will not be pretty, but it works.
Just know that killing one with force can attract others. That sounds counterproductive until you remember the real problem: they hide. Anything that draws them out into the open is a chance to deal with them.
So you have survived the infestation. Do not relax just yet.
Because there is another pest capable of attacking you from inside your own body, and getting that one out is a very different problem.
