How to Survive Michael Myers

With 128 screen-kills to his name, Micheal Myers is the embodiment of evil. He’s been shot, stabbed, beheaded, set on fire, and even blown up. But everyone knows you can’t keep a good slasher down. He’s always watching, always waiting, and always ready to strike.

With the release of Halloween Kills, audiences are eager to start the spooky season with Haddonfield’s favorite masked madman.

But we’re pretty sure you’d be singing a different tune if, this time, Michael Myers was after you. But don’t worry, you’re not alone. Today, we’ll be the Dr. Loomis to your Laurie Strode. We’ll give you the tips to not just survive a night of terror, but how to stop Michael once and for all.

Looks can be deceiving. See that adorable little clown? Yeah, that’s baby Michael. At the ripe age of six, little Michael savagely murdered his sister on Halloween night. After his bloody debut, he was committed to Smiths Grove Sanitarium under the care of Dr. Samuel Loomis for 15 years.

His professional medical opinion?

“Because I realized that what was living behind that boy’s eyes was purely and simply…evil.”Thanks for that valuable insight into mental health, Sam. But now, Michael has escaped. And he has his evil eyes set on you.

HOW COULD YOU ESCAPE THIS KILLING MACHINE? IS THERE ANY WAY TO PUT HIM DOWN FOR GOOD? AND HOW COULD RADIATION BE YOUR BEST WEAPON?

STEP 1: Cancel Halloween

While Michael isn’t a mama’s boy like Jason or limited to sleeping victims like Freddy, he’s still got a schtick. Michael kills almost exclusively on Halloween night. So maybe you should skip the trick or treating this year. Instead, you could go on a vacation, maybe to a remote, cozy spot. Heck, we’d even recommend a bunker for waiting it out until November 1st. As long as you don’t invite any of his relatives…

STEP 2: Get some family therapy

Look, we get it. Family drama can be tough. But for relatives of Michael Myers, catching up could lead to a swift and brutal demise. His older sister didn’t make it past the opening scene. His younger sister has gone toe-to-toe with him several times since 1978. Even the adorable Jamie Lloyd has had to battle her uncle on more than one occasion. The point is, if you’ve got a Michael in your family, maybe it’s time to set some boundaries.

STEP 3: Fill Your Bathtub

So here’s the thing about our favorite, William Shatner mask-wearing, kitchen knife-wielding, and seasonally inclined killer. He’s really, really tough to kill. Michael can take a beating and even several bullets. One time, Dr. Loomis even blew up a hospital in an attempt to finish him.

Am I the only one who thinks Dr. Loomis shouldn’t have a medical license? Even before stepping into the ring with the Shape, you know that conventional methods aren’t going to stop him.

So what about luring him into a tub of fluoroantimonic acid?

Fluoroantimonic acid is 20 quintillion times stronger than sulfuric acid. In short, it’s the strongest superacid in the world. In theory, if you could lure Michael into a tub of this stuff, it would melt him to the point where there’s no way he could get back up.

Remember that time in Halloween 6 when Michael gets injected with several syringes full of nitric acid? Well, he took that like a champ. So if you want to survive this, you’re going to have to get creative.

STEP 4: Get Radioactive

We’ve established that Michael is nearly impossible to take down. He’s been shot, stabbed, electrocuted, blown up, the works. We could accept that he’s a supernatural force of evil.

Or we could try to understand why Michael keeps coming back for more. He must have STEM cells and pluripotent cells going into overdrive, essentially regenerating his body every time we think we’ve finally put him down. This means to truly end him, we need to get rid of those cells.

Using total body irradiation, a medical procedure used in leukemia treatment, you can kill all the stem cells.

The lethal dose of radiation is 1 gray. The doses that are used in leukemia treatment ranges from 6-8 gray. For a killer like Michael though, you’re going to need to hit him with an incredibly huge dose. We’re talking 30 gray.

STEP 5: Be thorough

Even if you finally took down the big, bad Michael Myers, it’s still a Halloween movie. You know, you can’t keep a good slasher down. It sounds gross, but maybe you should relieve Michael of his head. If you don’t, you can expect another visit from Michael next Halloween.

Congrats! You lived through another Halloween! But what if you had to deal with masked slashers the other 364 days each year?