The next time you see that adorable hummingbird at your feeder, remember one thing. It might take your life. Because in this world, every bird works for the government as a spy or a hidden assassin. What does your pet bird know about your personal life? Where can you have a safe conversation? And how can birds track your movements?
OK, sheeple. It’s time to wake up to some truth. The government has removed most of the birds on the planet and replaced them with highly sophisticated robot drones. And these agents of the state might know you better than you know yourself. The Birds Aren’t Real movement began in 1976 and revealed the conspiracy to eliminate all birds with a deadly virus.
From 1959 to 2001, the U.S. government systemically removed and replaced our flying friends with these robotic drones. If this were true, the CIA would have 12 million birds tracking and surveilling our every movement. But if you’re face-to-beak with these spies, how could you establish dominance?
With so many birds flying overhead at all times, you could never guarantee you’d have privacy. And that’s the point. According to the lore behind this conspiracy, President Eisenhower approved this project, knowing that one camera in the sky could do the work of dozens on the ground. If you want to avoid these eyes in the sky, you’d need to make a soundproof room in your home without windows.
Choose your words carefully when you’re outside, and keep all your sensitive data restricted to your safe room. But what about that cute bird you have at home? I hate to break it to you, but Polly doesn’t want a cracker. Polly wants your passwords. If all birds were drones, everything you’ve ever said in front of this robotic spy was recorded and sent off to the government. That’s right.
Big Brother has been in your living room this whole time. And when you go outside, you’d better watch your step. Some cultures believe that bird poop brings good luck. The odds of getting hit are astronomical, so a little splash from above must mean good fortune, right? Well, in this world, that mess wasn’t an accident. This liquid would double as a tracking device made for the birds to follow you around.
If it hits you, don’t wash your clothes. Burn them fast and run fast. If your car takes a splat, call an Uber and ditch your ride because you may have been designated public enemy number one. And all birds don’t have the same job. Bird Truthers state that vultures were created for public sanitation. But hummingbirds are the hitmen behind this conspiracy, carrying out government-contracted kills. And don’t be fooled by their eggs.
Those would be highly detailed replicas of the real thing. Wait, can I still eat omelets? I mean, if you were in the middle of this massive cover-up, how could you protect yourself? But if a bird stares at you in plain sight, don’t just sit there. You would need to look directly into the camera, I mean its eyes, and say, “I know your secret”.
This passcode might scare off the secret government agent. While that would take care of one bird, it wouldn’t be enough to protect you for the rest of your life. If birds weren’t real, you would need to keep your head covered and choose your words carefully to avoid further consequences. But some conspiracies are so far-reaching they spread across the entire globe. I mean, disc. Like what if the Earth were flat?
- “Cognitive Dissonance”. Saul McLeod. 2018. simplypsychology.org.
- “There’s A Big Group Of People Who Insist Birds Aren’t Real”. Satviki Sanjay. 2020. vice.com.
- “‘Birds Aren’t Real’: Whether Comedy Or Conspiracy, The Movement Explains The Post-Truth Era”. Tod Perry. 2021. upworthy.com.
- “55% Of Americans Say Smartphones Spy On Conversations To Customize Ads”. John Koetsier. 2020. forbes.com.
- “Beyond Distrust: How Americans View Their Government”. 2015. pewresearch.org.