How to Survive in a Horror Movie

How many times have you screamed at the TV while watching a horror movie? Yelling stuff like “No, don’t go down there, you idiot!” or “RUN, JAMIE LEE CURTIS, RUN! Well, it’s time to put your money where your mouth is. Because now you’re trapped inside a horror movie.

Even if you’re the fastest, the strongest, or even the smartest, in the world of horror movies, no one is safe. In fact, your chances of survival are even lower than in real life. One wrong move could mean a horrifying death. The good news is, we’ve got the know-how to help you out. Today, you’re going to learn how to survive in a horror movie.

The best horror films stay with you, even after the movie is over. But what if this was taken literally? What if you had to survive a night trapped inside a horror film? It would be hopeless, right? Well here’s the thing. Horror films relish their genre conventions. This means that within the world of a horror movie, there’s a list of rules you have to follow.

There are certain RULES that one must abide by in order to successfully survive a horror movie. Will you survive the night? Or become another horror movie victim? Luckily for you, we’ve taken the time to watch hours and hours of scary movies, and have come up with a list that may just get you through this in one piece.

STEP 1: BE A GOOD PERSON … BUT NOT TOO GOOD.

Okay, I know that sounds a little contradictory, but it’s going to help you make it out of this with your life, your sanity, and your limbs still intact. Horror movies love to punish jerks. So if you’re the mean cheerleader, or the obnoxious jock, your days are numbered. Rude characters are usually killed off early. And the meaner you are, the more spectacularly brutal your death will be.

Audiences love to see jerks get their comeuppance. Don’t give them fuel for their bloodlust. It’s better to be the kind-hearted leading man or woman, because statistically, a protagonist stands a much greater chance of surviving a night of terror. But here’s the thing. You don’t want to be too good. Sure, doing nice things may make you feel all warm and fuzzy. But beware, there is such a thing as too much kindness.

So if you find yourself thinking about picking up that hitchhiker, or adopting that little boy with a 666 birthmark, just remember the phrase, “No good deed goes unpunished.

STEP 2: DON’T INVESTIGATE

What was that strange noise out in the woods? Hmm, I’d better go check it out. Alone. WHAT? That’s the dumbest thing you could possibly do. Don’t go into barns, basements, graveyards, ancient burial grounds, abandoned insane asylums, or anything even the slightest bit foreboding. Not only are you trespassing, but your flagrant, uninvited violation of a killer’s space is a surefire way to being spectacularly murdered.

STEP 3: STAY TOGETHER

As the saying goes, there’s strength in numbers. So never, ever split up. If you do, well, expect the killer to pick you off, one by one. A safe number would be a group of five or more. At the very least, when the killer comes, you have an 80% chance that they won’t off you first. So, just hunker down together and wait till sunrise. As long as we stay here we should be … wait, why are you getting naked?

STEP 4: NO SEX!

Okay, keep it in your pants for just a second. Now is really, really not the time. For some reason, sex in a horror movie usually guarantees death. Better to save yourself for marriage. Even if you’re a pure-as-the-driven-snow virgin, you’ll still wind up a blood-spattered, hyperventilating mess. But a very much alive, blood-spattered, hyperventilating mess.

STEP 5: EVEN THE ODDS

Now that you’ve endured a night of pure terror, you’ve grown to be a more confident person, and are finally ready to stand up for yourself. But unless you are schooled in the art of self-defense, and your hands are listed as registered weapons, don’t walk around empty-handed. It’s time to arm yourself and prepare for the final showdown.

STEP 6: NEVER ASSUME THE KILLER IS DEAD

Okay, we did it. We beat the killer. Now let’s go home and …Ahhh … that happens every time! Monsters like Freddy, Jason, Michael, heck even the Terminator, are unstoppable forces of evil that will never give up. There are sequels to be made, after all. Chances are, if they’re down, they’re never out. Finish the job, or put as much distance between you and them as possible. The good news is, horror movies are make-believe. They’re like rollercoasters, meant to make you afraid in a safe space.

But real life can be a horror show too. If you want to survive a horror movie situation, keep your wits about you at all times, use common sense, and don’t go anywhere alone.But what if you have to be alone? What if theres no one else but you, and you’re the last person alive on Earth? Well, good news is, we’re here to help you survive whatever life throws at you.

If you are in danger, or think you have an emergency, call your doctor, an ambulance or the police immediately.